


under your coat is a heart beating just like mine

by noirophelia



Category: SKAM (Norway)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluff, M/M, all he needs is understanding and acceptance and patience, blink and you'll miss angst, he gets there eventually, isak is a sweetheart and even is a bit lost, it's all just love love and love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-09
Updated: 2019-08-09
Packaged: 2020-08-13 08:07:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,383
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20170957
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/noirophelia/pseuds/noirophelia
Summary: After running away from everything Even has come to a point when he has nowhere to go, so he finds his way back to his hometown. He doesn’t expect Isak willingly storming into his mess.





	under your coat is a heart beating just like mine

**Author's Note:**

> all mistakes are mine, i'm sorry in advance!

“Weren’t you dating only for a couple of months?” Yousef sounds genuinely surprised. “I didn’t know you guys moved in together.” 

“We didn’t,” Even lets out a sharp sigh. 

After all, it’s all good now. Better, at least, he says to himself. 

He’s finally meeting Yousef after several long phone calls— they’re at some café Even doesn’t even remember existing but the design here is nice and coffee is pretty good so he doesn’t complain. The feeling buzzes strangely familiar in his stomach and he wants to grab it with all he has, hold onto it for as long as he can.

So far so good. Thank you for welcoming me back nicely, Oslo, he thinks. 

“It’s just…,” it’s hard for Even to find it in himself to feel confident again. “He’s been sleeping over at mine all the time and suddenly my apartment was full of his stuff. I was so lost in work and wrapped up in my head I didn’t even notice. Or, maybe, I just let it silently happen.”

“Do you know why he acted the way he did? I haven't really got a chance to hear the whole story.”

“Oh yeah. I _know_,” Even is remembering all the little details about that evening he wanted to forget so badly. Now it’s only making him angry and exhausted at the same time. He should let it all go, really, because rationally he understands that replaying what has happened isn’t good for him. 

Sometimes he doesn’t know if being angry all the time is worse than not feeling anything at all.

Apparently, Yousef is a very considerate person, Even actually always knew that, but he’s still surprised when Yousef just waits for him to elaborate with reassuring smile and worried gaze. 

“I told him I’m bipolar the other day. The rest... you know.”

“That son of a bitch.”

“He just… left? Said he needed to think about it. And a week after that he came back, took all of his things and left for good. Just like that. He told me that our relationship was a rush and he isn’t ready for commitment, that we’re still too young and all that, which is bullshit if you ask me but I just stood there and couldn’t say anything. Let him leave without a word. I knew I should have told him earlier but I didn’t. I guess it’s all on me.”

His bitten nails keep clinking the mug but he's fast to react when the mug in his hands suddenly bobs. Milk foam clings to his fingers and he reaches with his dry hand to pick up the napkin.

“Hey, Even, no. It’s not your fault and you know that. The guy turned out to be a dick. It sucks but it happens, okay?” for what Even is grateful is that there’s no sign of pity in Yousef's eyes. Instead, he looks very concerned.

“Not everything was bad with him, you know. It was nice, at the beginning. I think it always like that. At first you feel wanted, things seem to get better, you feel like you’re in love and all that. But it doesn’t matter anymore, I guess,” Even keeps his eyes shut for several seconds trying to find comfort in people at the café talking around him.

“You didn’t talk about him much so I can’t know but... I want you to know that you deserve everything good in this world, okay? If someone still have prejudices about mental health then they are way back in the past. Their loss. You’re so wonderful.” Yousef smiles at him and Even feels like he can breathe again. A moment passes, then Yousef seems to notice someone behind Even’s back. “Isak! Hi!” Yousef says a bit louder than normal. 

Even turns around only to see a confused guy next to coffee counter with a to-go cup in his hand. He looks like he was caught off guard, like a deer in the field with no place to escape, and he’s also very pretty, Even notes to himself. But when the guy, Isak, apparently, finds Yousef with his eyes his face clears with recognition. He approaches them and stops at their table, still a bit awkward and body tensed.

“Yousef, hello,” he says, his gaze darts from Yousef to Even and back. “How’s Sana? And the kids?”

“Great!” Yousef nods, his smile grows bigger as stars bright up in his eyes whenever he talks about Sana and his children. Even can’t help but soften at the sight of his friend still being so in love after all these years. “Sana gets back to work soon though. You know her, it’s always like this. She just can’t sit still on one place. And the baby grows so fast!”

Isak laughs at that and relaxes a little, the tension leaving his shoulders.

“She didn’t mentioned it but it’s my fault, I guess. I almost called her the other day but the work in the clinic doesn’t seem to stop. August is always like that though and with school season starting soon... it’s stressing me out. But I still feel guilty I haven’t stopped by after Amira’s birth,” with that he wrinkles his nose and Even swears it’s the cutest thing he’s seen in a while.

The followed silence is maybe just a little awkward; Even assumes that Isak and Yousef were never really close and the question about Sana was the only safe topic for them so Even politely coughs in his fist brining attention to himself.

“Oh, yes! Uh. Even, this is Isak, Sana’s good friend and sometimes Naveed’s babysitter. Isak, this is Even, one of my best friends from high school.” Yousef looks embarrassed for forgetting to introduce them to each other but he keeps smiling anyway. 

They shake hands like they are supposed to and it’s totally not weird that they keep holding onto their grip for several seconds longer than you usually do when meeting someone new. 

“How come we’ve never met?” Isak asks as Even notices curiosity light up in his eyes. Even is pretty sure he said it without rational thinking but to his surprise Isak doesn’t look embarrassed at all. On the contrary, he just keeps looking at Even almost without blinking, not daring to say anything else. So Even just chuckles hoping it won’t get any more awkward.

“Maybe because I’ve been living in Bergen for the last decade,” he doesn’t explain why he’s here now because why would he? (If he knew it himself). Isak is a complete stranger, after all. A stranger who is probably a very good person because he’s friends with Sana and Yousef but a stranger nevertheless.

After that, Yousef falls into telling Isak already familiar to Even stories about his baby daughter and Isak laughs at Yousef’s expressions with his eyes soft and genuinely interested in whatever Yousef’s saying. He does throw a couple of glances at Even, but in general, he keeps up with Yousef’s stories.

When Yousef stops, Isak glances at the watch on his wrist, “I really don’t want to be _that_ guy but I have to go. I have an appointment in thirty minutes; can’t afford myself to make a bad first impression on a kid’s parents. It was good seeing you though, Yousef. Tell Sana I said hi and that I promised to come over as soon as possible,” he nods making a step backwards and then his eyes land on Even again. He smiles shortly and nods, his eyes warm and glistening, “It was nice meeting you, Even,” with that, he hurries to walk out the door and Even is totally not watching him passing in front of the floor-to-ceiling windows, the cup of coffee in his one hand, the phone in the other—

“You liked him!” Yousef’s voice startles Even and he looks away from Isak who is fast to disappear on the streets.

“Well, he’s definitely… intriguing.”

“I don’t know if he’s single though. I’ll ask Sana. If you want.”

“Look, Yousef, I appreciate it. I really do,” Even laughs but his laugh is somehow sad and stilted, “I’m sure Isak is great but I don’t want relationships right now. I just got out of one.” He stops but after noticing understanding in Yousef’s eyes he continues. He feels like sharing today, “I’m just tired of feeling disappointed all the time. I’m tired of people disappointing me and I’m tired of people disappointing _in_ me. As cliché as it may sound I think I need time for myself, to finally learn how to solve my own problems like an adult that I am. I’m fucking thirty for god's sake!”

“Okay,” Yousef says taking Even’s hand in his and giving it a squeeze. The metal coldness on Yousef’s ring finger meets Even’s warm skin and he can’t help but wonder. “You’ll be okay.”

***

After a week Even decides he’s had enough of his mom’s couch in her living room.

What was meant to be his summer vacation turned into this weird “coming back” to the roots. It’s fine though. At least he feels like he’s doing something right for the first time in a while.

The whole thing felt very therapeutic for him so far — talking to his parents, visiting old places he knew like the back of his hand when he was a teenager, having calm afternoons in quiet places searching for job offers. He doesn’t want to bury himself in work again, not anymore, but at the same time he can’t afford himself to lose shape. This thing has to be handled, and the sooner the better. 

Panic finds him every day as he expect it and all Even is left to do is to remind himself that he has time. Not that much, but still. He _has time_ and he needs it like no one else right now.

Over and over again he realizes he doesn’t remember having a home in his life— as a kid he remembers things being always shaky in their family house and when he decided he’s better anywhere but in Oslo, living in Bergen never brought him the feeling like he belonged there, which is... disappointing. He’s replaying in his head that he’s spent a major part of his life running from everything only to understand almost ten years later he’s never really reached anything. It’s exhausting. And now with his parents… they love him, of course they do, but he’s just a guest at their homes. 

And it tingles unpleasantly inside.

He packs his bags but they aren’t meant to come back to Bergen with him. He needs things to change.

***

On one of the calmest Saturdays since coming back Even finds himself at Yousef and Sana’s kitchen. Because he’s pathetic like that. While Sana’s on the phone with her friend, Even is helping Yousef with dinner and, to Even’s surprise, they easily found a comfortable way of working efficiently together in the limited space.

He doesn’t really have anything else interesting to do anyway. He succeeded at finding more or less decent apartment— it’s far from perfect but he’ll take it. Just some changes here and there and he’s good. He was actually going to replace some furniture and buy new dishes but it all can wait a day or two (and the landlord seems too strict and extreme and Even doesn’t know how to deal with that yet, so time will show). He still has to find a job because his savings are ending. Managing one thing at a time, though, succeeds in not stressing him out too much— his head is a tingled mess and he finds strength to deal with it only step by step. And if he’s learned at least something from the hurricanes his life kept throwing at him, he has to listen to himself. Otherwise, he’ll explode.

“Elias is hosting a housewarming party next Friday. Or, better to say, some sort of gathering with family and friends. He and his wife moved to a nicer place,” Yousef raises his eyebrows, finishing cutting onions. Then he steps into Even’s personal space and lows down his tone, “and it’s also a good reason to announce they’re expecting a baby. I found out first. Don’t tell him I told you.”

“No shit.”

“Uh huh. You haven’t seen him for too long. Grew a beard, married, stable and all that. Elias! What does time do with us all, right?” Yousef says it in his famous jokingly mocking way and Even realizes again how much he missed him. “You should come with us, I’m sure the others would love to see you too. It’s been almost a month since you’re back in town and you haven’t even texted them.”

“Yeah,” Even whispers, looking away. He takes another carrot, intentionally fixing his gaze on it and on his movements. “It’s not really that simple.”

“It really is, Even,” Yousef puts away his knife, fully turning to Even, and watches him struggling with the right words.

“No, it’s not. Not for me, at least. I know we didn’t cut off the contacts on purpose but at some point I realized we didn’t speak for a whole month, and then one month grew into three, four, six. Isn’t it weird? Me coming back just like that?” he finally looks up.

“You understand it’s no one’s fault? It’s just life. Besides, you’re here now, right? We all have a chance to catch up. It’s really good you’re back, Even,” Yousef puts his hand on Even’s back in reassurance and Even feels like he can breathe again.

Doubts don’t want to leave but is it bad if he tries to push himself to accept he has a support system now? He’s not there yet.

_Is it okay?_

He just keeps focusing on his tasks.

***

The minute Elias sees him on the doorstep he doesn’t hesitate a bit. The next thing Even knows is that he is wrapped up in a tight, long hug laughing against his will.

“You’re early,” Elias says, shifting his gaze from Even to Yousef and Sana behind him.

It was one of those things he wanted to postpone for as long as possible. What came out of it in the end made him feel silly and embarrassed but also genuinely relieved. Maybe it’s a thing that haunts every person who at some point leave the place they were born, and it doesn’t matter if they hate it deeply or love it passionately. The place where you grew up and had your first bruises will always hold something magical and dear to your heart, as well as people you knew for a major part of your life.

Or, maybe it’s just how nostalgia works.

It all rushes from there. Half an hour later Mutta shows up and they chill in the Elias’ new backyard just four of them. Adam couldn’t make it, he isn’t even in the country at the moment and Mikael has some problems at work, although he promised to go straight to Elias’ as he finishes whatever important stuff he has to do. Even doesn’t ask, only supposes it’s better to talk to him in person, even if the thought of it terrifies him. 

\---

Closer to the evening, they decide to take it to the bar.

It was Yousef’s spontaneous idea and even though he’s the only one in the group who doesn’t drink at all he looks the most enthusiastic of them. “We need to loosen up a bit and have fun! All of us!” he said, implying it’s impossible to know when they all are going to have time to meet up again. Also, not every day one of your friends comes back from another city and your other friend says he’s going to be a dad. 

Now the funny thing is, Even had only two beers. At some point he forgets he doesn’t do it often these days so the alcohol does its job on him really fast. But as a responsible man as he is, he goes to the bar counter to get himself water. It’s been a while since he can remember himself being even a little bit drunk and this unpleasant tingling at the back of his brain gets him on his nerves.

“Well, hello,” he hears somebody say to his left; he tries to play it cool, like it didn’t startle him but he know he fails. Instead of asking for water he gestures for a refill. 

He’s an idiot.

“Hey!” he sighs turning his body toward the man.

“So… third beer in less than an hour? Is it celebration or desperation?”

“So… you’ve been watching?” Even tilts his head, alcohol making him more confident.

“Let’s say, sometimes I like to observe interesting things around me,” the man says, averting his eyes and raising his chin higher.

Even only laughs at this obvious attempt at flirting shaking his head in delight. “Isak, right?"

“You remember, wow.”

“It’s a pretty name. Suits you,” alright, two can play this game. 

“You think?” Isak smiles coyly at him, holding his breath for a second like he doesn’t believe Even plays along.

“Yeah. And these fancy clothes too. A date?” Even not so subtly checks him out raising his eyebrows. He’s distracted for a moment when bartender finally returns him his refilled glass.

Shrugging, Isak slowly makes one little step closer; it’s almost unnoticeable but to Even it’s everything, “Nah. It’s my friend’s birthday today. He told me if I don’t look fashionable enough he won’t even talk to me.”

“Did he? Talk to you?” Even says, his eyes dancing around Isak’s face in attempt to memorize his features. It’s probably just alcohol. Otherwise, he wouldn’t be this obvious.

Why couldn’t he just ask for water? He squeezes the glass in his hand to calm down his nerves.

“Of course. It wasn’t that much of a serious threat anyway. He's always like that,” Isak rolls his eyes but smiles anyway.

“And still, you listened to him,” Even pushes, taking a sip just to have something to do. “But not surprising that he talked to you. I mean, this jacket does match with the rest of you—” he didn’t say it out loud, did he?

“Thanks,” when Isak smirks Even knows he’s fucked. “So, Even, how is Oslo treating you?”

“You remember, wow,” he repeats what Isak said earlier, and it earns him genuine laugh. “Great, actually. It’s great. I missed it.” After that, Even has no idea what to say next and he doesn’t understand why. The mood shifts in span of one second and Even is the one to blame for it. They keep standing next to each other in a suddenly awkward silence and Even wants to _die._

He throws a glance at Isak who’s now biting his bottom lip, looking at his own drink. It’s the moment when he hears loud cheers from the back of the bar; unsurprisingly, it’s his friends and a second later he notices one particular familiar face and it makes all his muscles go tense. Must’ve been focused on Mikael smiling at everyone at the table for too long— it’s only Isak’s polite cough brings him back to reality. 

Even sighs looking at him apologetically, “I have to go back to the guys. See you?”

“Yeah, okay,” Even can’t help but notice his expression weirdly change from worried to sad. “Have fun.”

He reaches their table clenching his drink too hard. Good thing is that nobody payed attention to his absence. Well, almost nobody. He locks eyes with Yousef who says nothing but Even doesn’t miss genuine curiosity in them. 

“Bech Næsheim! You bastard,” Mikael yells as he notices him, his whole face lighting up. He hugs Even first, and then slaps him on the shoulder. Rubbing the sore spot Even can’t stop smiling feeling the relief from having things unchanged between them. “How could you not tell me it’s been a whole ass month since you’re _back_ back? Like, it’s not even work visiting!”

For the rest of the night, Even doesn’t dare to look in Isak’s direction.

***

Things have a tendency of not happening overnight — Even’s been constantly told that since he was a child but eventually had to learn it hard way in the adult world. However, without stable job in the moment, without any particular goal or vision what road he should take next it _does_ push him to make important decisions a bit faster.

It’s all been like a reopening for him — quitting his job, coming back to his hometown, getting back together with his school friends, _who actually accepted him back_. When he thought nothing could ever make him feel like home there were his parents, Yousef, all his friends. Knowing he finally has people he can turn to soothes him so much more that he thought it could.

Tonight was one of those slow dinners with his mom when they plan something grand and new but end up staying at home. As a kid it angered Even all the time because it always boiled the anticipation in him, the waiting becoming unbearable, and when all plans were suddenly canceled he was left with nothing. Now, even though he already knew how it all plays out, it felt nice to experience it all over again. Mostly because now they do it out of unintentional habit.

“Why didn’t you tell me? That you and dad split up?” he asks washing the dishes while his mom is sitting at the kitchen table with a pile of exam papers to grade. Then he hears her putting her pen away.

“Why are you asking that? It’s been years since you found out.”

“Yeah. I know. I guess— It was always rubbing me the wrong way how you two weren’t the ones who told me. I thought we shared everything.”

“Sometimes there are things you don’t want to share,” it’s what makes him turn around. She’s trying to smile at him but he knows he screwed up.

“I’m sorry. It wasn’t my intention to make you sad.”

“You didn’t,” she tilts her head taking off her glasses and looks at him closely. “After we had you we were always parents first and partners second. It stays this way. No matter how old you are it’s not your responsibility to handle our problems.”

He doesn’t know what to say so he just nods.

“I’ve been thinking about something for a while,” Even says then, swallowing, and turns the tap off. Finds the towel and wipes his hands to buy himself more time. “I’m going to restart my therapy sessions. I haven’t called to the clinic yet, but I will. I want to.”

He’s not a little boy anymore, although he craves it a bit too often these days— to lay his head on his mom’s shoulder, feel her soothing touches in his hair, and listen to her say how everything is going be just fine. When his mom says something like this it actually sounds like truth.

“Proud of you. Always,” she says then, standing up. She leaves a simple kiss on his temple when she gets closer, although it takes some effort from Even because she’s too short to reach his face without him leaning down. “Look at you,” and now she’s beaming. He missed her so much. “So serious, so grown up.”

It makes him smile. 

And for now? That’s enough.

***

The chair is extremely uncomfortable and the lights are too bright. Also, he’s sweating. He’s feeling like he’s going to combust at any given second.

It’s like he’s seventeen again. In his head, he rewinds to his other therapy experiences and realizes they were decent. Not excellent, not bad, just… okay. When he started therapy for the very first time, it took him some time to stop feeling like it’s a threat, then it flew into his routine and he slowly learned how not to be ashamed of it.

Somehow Even managed to forget what it’s like not to be ashamed of himself.

“Even Bech Næsheim?” he hears a familiar voice. Even stands up faster than he can process it, almost hits his ankle and drops his bag on the floor. Manages to avoid all of it. Then he sees Isak. 

Even looks up at the door to his right only to see golden sign with “Dr. I. Valtersen” written next it. Fear fills his lungs but he’s been there a thousand times before, he knows what to do, so he makes himself close his eyes and slowly counts to three. Breathes out.

“Hi.”

He eyes Isak again and then notices Isak looks normal but weird — no usual glimpses in his eyes from before, no intriguing smile. Instead, it’s polite this time and his gaze is steady. He looks nothing but professional. 

“Apparently, there was a mistake in our system and they directed you to the wrong pavilion. They even sent several medical records here, including yours,” Isak starts eventually looking at the pile of, without a doubt, medical records and shakes his head in disapproval. "I'm actually surprised they didn't warn you at the enterence." He must’ve caught the frightened look in Even’s eyes because the next thing he does is softly say, “Don’t worry, your session is not with me. It’s adolescent department anyway. Come on, I’ll show you the right way.”

Isak jerks his head in an invitation to follow him taking a step backwards but waits for Even to collect himself. 

\---

When Even is on his way home he cannot stop blaming himself for never knowing what’s best for him. The tiredness— it’s exhausting, it’s a haunting ghost in his brain, it never wants to leave. The loneliness, the sister of tiredness, does everything what’s in its power to make him live on autopilot. 

Is there anything else out there except sadness?

Today turned out to be the hardest one of the week. The hardest hour, even. Even knows he has a long way to go but he’s done for today, and for today it’s a win. And a small win is a win after all.

***

“Even, dude, I need your help,” Yousef talks fast and he hears baby crying in the background. “Are you busy tomorrow? Sana is back in hospital this week and tomorrow I need to return to work for an extra hour and then pick Sana up. Could you maybe watch the kids while I’m gone? I’m desperate, you're my only hope.”

“Is everything okay?” Even asks with the phone propped on his shoulder as he continues with the whole confusing furniture assembling.

“Yeah, all good. It’s just an emergency. I don’t know why but she got a call this morning and they said they can’t do it without the coolest surgeon in the city,” Yousef laughs but Even hears the same old admiration in his voice.

“Yeah, sure man. I’ll watch the kids.”

After chatting for a bit, Even hangs up and starts to think about his plans for tomorrow, because well yeah, he doesn’t really have any special events to be at tomorrow. Like always. 

He’ll watch the kids.

Wait. 

_What?_

\---

It’s Even’s first babysit in what, ten years? 

It’s not like he doesn’t like kids. He _does_. He’s even been thinking it would be nice having his own child some day in the future. The thing is, the future is creeping on Even like that big sea wave you’re running from when you’re a kid. You’re scared and hoping you’ll get to the shore faster than it covers you but the water is evil under your legs. It always is, it’s too heavy for your feet to move and you never actually make it on time. You fine afterwards, though. The salty and unpleasant aftertaste is there and your lungs aren’t good, you’re still gasping for air and coughing the salt out of your nose but you’re _fine_. It never has the power to actually kill you. Not this time, at least.

Amira is sleeping in her nursery so at least he has to worry only about one kid for now. Naveed is calm but it’s probably only because today is his second time meeting Even. His shyness goes away very fast though — after several minutes of Even trying to make an awkward conversation with a four-year-old Naveed is smiling and asking Even to play with him. Even convinces himself it’s chill. He can work with that.

It’s been only fifteen minutes since Yousef has left when the doorbell rings. Even furrows his eyebrows but stands up after telling Naveed he will be right back.

The person starts rumbling in a rush before Even even opens the door, “Oh my God, I’m so sorry I’m so late my car broke down and…” he stops when his eyes land on Even. “What are you doing here?” Isak asks looking more confused than anything else.

“Yousef asked me to watch the kids so…” Even scratches the back of his head still standing in the doorway not letting Isak come in and god, if this isn’t awkward. “And you?”

“Sana asked me the same thing.”

They keep standing there looking at each other both of them not saying anything. Their last two encounters were disasters but Even does feel some sort of pull— He wouldn’t flirt with Isak at the bar if he didn’t, even if he was tipsy. He can take it if he screwed up but he really doesn’t want Isak to dislike him. 

It’s all just wrong, _he’s_ wrong, confused and lost, and now he’s also embarrassed. Judging by the way Isak is looking at him, Even suspects he feels somewhat the same. The air gets heavy around them and Even thinks he should apologize for being a dick but his tongue is numb and head is fogged and Isak is not smiling at him this time, he was always smiling at him, even at the clinic so it isn’t helping either.

“Yousef has already left and I’m here so if you’re busy and need to go…” Even doesn’t have a chance to finish his sentence.

“Issa!” Naveed screams in high-pitched voice running towards Isak and then hugging his knees.

“I guess I’m staying,” Isak says with a sharp breath and apologetic smile.

Even exhales.

\---

Turns out, Even is not terrible with kids. Or rather, he isn’t _that_ terrible as he thought he is. However, Isak with kids is totally _something else_.

Naveed’s shyness disappears completely with Isak. They’re running around the living room, Naveed is screaming too loud considering Amira is asleep just behind the wall while Even is busy with making them all cacao in the kitchen. After their little brake with cacao and cookies they’re playing full force again — Isak puts Naveed on his shoulders, twirls him and even tries to toss him in the air but then thinks better of it muttering something like ‘no, you’re too big for that now.” The boy is laughing and smiling with Isak and Even sees clear as daylight that Isak genuinely loves this kid.

“Okay, little man, believe it or not but I’m tired,” Isak says, placing himself on the floor. “Why won’t we play with that Lego set I got you on your last birthday?” with that, Naveed runs off to the huge box full of toys and stuffed animals to find Isak’s gift.

Even takes in what he sees— Isak’s out of breath, his hair is in complete disarray, cheeks flushed from the whole activity. The collar of his maroon turtleneck meets stubble on his neck and Even’s fingers itch with desire to touch. He can’t look away, he’s mesmerized, lost deep in the moment, forgotten to the whole world that exists out there. It’s like he’s somewhere in the center of the universe where Isak is a starting point he couldn’t see before. Isak catches him staring and just raises an eyebrow in silent question. Even doesn’t answer, only tilts his head and smiles wider. 

Eventually, Amira wakes up and her loud crying is transmitted through radio nanny — Isak probably sees the frightened look in Even’s eyes because he’s fast to stand up and head to the nursery. Somehow, Isak manages to calm her down and when he’s standing in the living room again carefully holding her in his arms she’s smiling.

“She’s so small,” Even whispers leaning on the arm of the sofa right next to them.

“Never had a chance to see a real baby in your life?” Isak teases but Even isn’t offended at all. How can he be when Amira stretches out her tiny arm to squeeze Even’s nose with her tiny fingers only to laugh after?

Something shifts inside him— something unfamiliar and brand new but it’s warm and light. Suddenly everything makes sense. When he finds Isak’s eyes with his own again, Isak is wearing the softest smile on his lips and the most gentle look in his eyes.

\---

All four of them are sitting on the floor— Amira is still in Isak’s arms curiously watching the scene unfolding in front of her as Naveed is trying to take back his stuffed rabbit from Even’s hands who raised it too high for Naveed to reach. They’re both laughing but Naveed is getting impatient, jumping in attempts to catch the toy.

“You’re such a child,” Isak says suddenly and Even moves his whole attention to him completely forgetting about his previous mission. 

“Seriously? I’m a child?” he raises his eyebrows challenging Isak. Even’s trying to be smug about the whole thing but it is the moment when Naveed chooses to jump on him falling with him on the floor. Who knew a four-year-old has so much strength? 

“I work with kids every day. I know it when I see one,” Isak says simply, smile never leaving his lips.

And the thing is, Even _knows_ Isak is teasing him but at the same time what he just said _makes sense_. Suddenly, Even gets it all. The puzzle pieces make up the whole picture now — the clinic incident and the way how Isak is so good with Yousef and Sana’s kids and how he knows exactly what to do and what to say. He stays silent just staring at Isak, mesmerized for a god knows what time this afternoon—

“Isak?” Yousef’s voice from behind makes both Isak and Even to turn around and Naveed to jump up and run to his dad. Then there's Sana standing right next to her husband, smirking down at both of them. “Why are you here?” Yousef looks genuinely confused.

“Did you feed her?” as nothing has happened Sana asks Isak, taking Amira from his arms. After she’s satisfied with Isak’s nod she heads to the kitchen but before she leaves she turns around, looks at her husband and says, “I knew you asked Even, but apart from our parents I trust only Isak with our children.”

\---

Even watches Yousef lull Amira to sleep and catches himself at the thought how special this moment is to be witnessed. He knows Yousef from his early teens, they literally grew up together, faced so many obstacles, always had each other’s backs and now Even sees him even more caring, loving, kind. It’s like every good trait Yousef had only doubles when he’s with his children.

Life is changing so fast, it seems like it’s only Even who’s still glued to the same old spot.

“I saw you an Isak talking at the bar the other day,” Yousef says when they’re in the living room again. Yousef is trying to be coy, Even knows that, but there’s just something in his tone that makes sudden guilt wash over Even. Especially with Isak still being in the house just behind the wall.

“What about it?” Even tries really hard not to meet his eyes.

“Did you tell him anything that… might disappoint him, maybe?”

“No?” 

Yes, he kind of did.

“You’re asking me?” Yousef raises his eyebrow looking at him skeptically.

“Well.”

“What did you do?”

“I might bail on him.”

“You— did _what_?” 

“Why are you even angry about it?” Even himself is surprised by how exhausted he sounds. Also, he really doesn’t want to see Yousef looking at him so disapproving.

“I’m not angry. It’s just. Sana said he asked about you. More than once.” Yousef breathes out noticing what mood Even’s in. “Sorry. It wasn’t my intention to blame you. You decide what you want to do but now you know. He likes you. Just… don’t give him mixed signals, he’s a good guy.” 

Yousef smiles at him and Even just doesn’t understand how he deserved so many people to care about him.

\---

Even is in the process of putting his shoes on as Isak walks out of the kitchen. There’s a small restrained smile on his lips and it’s making an uneasy weight appear in Even’s stomach. Isak has his hands shoved into front pockets while rocking on his heels, wanting to say something but hesitating. 

“Should I wait until you leave or…” Isak starts looking everywhere but at Even.

“Why?” Even straightens up finally finding Isak’s eyes with his own. It’s not a race, it’s not even a contest, it’s a pure conversation full of confusion and misunderstanding. At least Even wants to believe it is.

“Well, I guess because— Okay.”

Even doesn’t know if it’s for a selfish reason only or for the sake of manners he waits for Isak to find his own shoes and a jacket. They say goodbye to Sana and Yousef standing together on the porch of their house; Even watches Isak hugging Sana and how they bicker about their own stuff not caring Yousef and Even stand just right there. It’s obvious to anyone who has eyes that it’s their usual dynamic and it’s beautiful. They truly act like brother and sister— they love each other but never miss a chance to tease one another.

“It’s so kind of you to tell it’s only me you trust with your children,” Isak says, smiling in full. “I’m honored.”

“I think you forgot the first part of that sentence when I mentioned my parents,” she raises her eyebrows and points a finger at him but she’s beaming. Even sees clear as day she’s softened over the years.

Even doesn’t dare to look at him as they walk the street together in silence but he knows he’s being watched, he feels it going through his core and he realizes he doesn’t actually mind it. How long was it until he became comfortable enough to admit it?

The sidewalk parts in two different directions and Even waits for Isak to choose one so he can go the opposite. He’ll figure out the rest later.

“So, I guess bye?” it comes out more like a question and Even wants to slap himself for being like this.

“Yeah, see you?” Isak says and slowly makes several steps backwards still looking at Even. He turns away eventually and starts walking to the nearest bus station as Even watches him go. 

He cannot understand why he’s not doing anything when he obviously has a chance. When he obviously wants to.

Even can feel wind blowing in his face, why can’t he feel alive?

“Isak,” when Even calls him he’s more surprised than anyone else. Isak is so fast to stop and turn around to look at him again that it leaves Even dumbfounded for several seconds.

“Yes?”

“I- uhm,” now when he’s slowly approaching him, it makes everything _real_. “I wanted to say sorry. For that time at the bar. And then for that time at the clinic.”

“But you didn’t do anything,” the corners of Isak’s mouth are slowly rising upwards, the softness captures his whole face. Even can’t stop wondering.

“I flirted with you and then left like it never happened. It just… wasn’t right,” there’s so much he wants to say. That he’s lost and he’s scared and he doesn’t know what’s real anymore and what the hell he’s doing but he can’t bring himself to actually do that. He settles with something that is easy, with something he knows. He hopes it’s enough. “So yes, I’m sorry for acting like a dick.”

“You know what?” Isak says fixing a button on his jacket. “Fuck it. Are you busy right now?”

“No, why?”

“Do you maybe want to grab a coffee?”

\---

They find themselves at some nice bakery with not so much spare space but also with no queue and loud noise. It’s only them and two old ladies at the counter and no one in the dining area. 

Even must’ve been looking at Isak for loo long because it almost lurks from his attention that Isak makes an order for him as well. “I hope you like cappuccino,” he whispers while Even is looking at him with wild eyes. (He keeps his terrible secret of not being able to tell the difference between types of coffee most of the time untold).

They sit at the back of the bakery, Even watches Isak texting someone but after that the phone is forgotten on the table and they just sit there looking at each other.

“If you can’t tell, I’m nervous,” Isak breathes out, his hands wrapped around white mug. 

The blatant honesty makes Even to let out an astonished laugh, “Okay, why?”

“You know,” he just shrugs, shaking his head and taking a sip, eyes never leaving Even’s. And the thing that fascinates Even so much when it comes to Isak— the way that blazing confidence of his blended with timid bashfulness makes Isak so… _Isak_.

“Don’t be,” Even shakes his head more to himself than to anyone else. His fingers dance around the rim of his mug and he can’t bring himself to lie anymore. “I feel like I had to learn my lesson already, considering the amount of times we’ve run into each other.”

“So, does it mean Oslo treats you well? You don’t have to answer,” Isak teases and sparkles in his eyes find their way back again. Comfort flows through Even like sweet honey as the tension in his shoulders drop.

\---

“…so yeah. I think I’m staying here. Never say never, I have no clue where my life is taking me next, but for now… It’s pretty good here. At least I have some good memories of this city to remember,” Even finishes talking about Bergen skipping all unpleasant parts. He shares what’s important to him but at the same time doesn’t get too personal and he’s comfortable with it. Isak seems to get it because he doesn’t ask questions that might upset Even or make him worked up.

“You’re smiling,” Isak says while they’re heading to the tram stop. It’s not late yet, the sun is still up but Even feels like it’s a natural ending of the day. “It’s good on you.”

Even’s smile grows wider as he looks down at the ground.

“Why did you ask if you should wait for me to leave first today?” Even asks then and it makes Isak to slow down his steps and look somewhere into the distance. At some point he stops and turns to Even fully facing him.

“I guess I have things to apologize for, too. I’m sorry if I was too persistent and it made you uncomfortable,” Isak says with a shy smile. 

“You weren’t. I promise.”

“Okay. Yeah, cool. Good,” Isak shoves his hands in the pockets of his jeans trying to, what it seems, hold back the urge to smile wider. He looks happy and Even likes this look on him. “Can I— can I see you again, then?”

***

Even wonders why he never really payed attention to the nature around him. In Bergen and then here, too. It’s rain what makes him question that because somehow he finds some unfamiliar comfort in the light drizzle leaving wet marks on his face and jacket while he’s waiting for Isak to pick him up. It’s not actually cold, at least not as he expected it to be, so he’s good. Or maybe he’s just in the mood too good to be upset by anything.

The anticipation is buzzing inside him; it’s not like they specifically agreed on a date but Even just knows it _is_ one. He just doesn’t understand how Isak still wants him. Who would want someone with disarrayed thoughts and anxiety as life anchors? 

The car honk from his left startles him but the next thing he sees is Isak on the driver seat waving at him. 

“You _do_ have a car,” is the first thing that leaves Even’s lips as he slides into the passenger seat.

“Hello you too. Got it fixed couple of days ago. Finally. Life is so hard without it, you know?” Isak grimaces in a funny way holding the wheel and something tenses inside Even. “Except when I’m out with the boys. Those times this car is useless, those times I just get drunk,” he huffs a laugh then, throwing a quick glance at Even.

“Where are we going?” 

“Honestly? I have no idea,” Isak hides his hands in the sleeves of his sweater and to Even it seems like an old-time habit. Sweet observation, he notes. He doesn’t know if Isak is even aware of it himself. “Do you maybe have anywhere you want to go? If you’re hungry we can just stop somewhere. It’s just. I didn’t expect it to rain today.”

“So you _did_ have some idea,” Even says with a knowing smirk on his face.

“You can say that,” Isak shies away, tilting his head.

“You’re not going to tell me?” Even breaks comfortable silence between them after a moment. Isak just shakes his head and starts the car looking through rearview mirror.

“Nope. I’ll just show you some other time.”

The thought of ‘some other time’ and Isak’s smile manage to keep Even’s heart warm during the whole ride.

\---

“But hey, listen, at least he tried! You can’t just invalidate his efforts,” Even is too loud and he knows it but he’s so pumped and it’s all without alcohol in his system. 

“Those jokes though. How can you let someone out on stage… who has _no_ sense of humor. But he’s pretty young. Still has time to realize that comedy isn’t really his thing,” Isak keeps arguing but it’s all without malice. 

They’re back in the car, just keep messing with each other after witnessing a disaster stand-up performance at some local bar. It’s all because they noticed a bright poster while they were driving and without any plan in mind the decision to stop by and give it a chance was made pretty fast.

“Or, he’s going to practice and get better instead. Write better jokes and take some theatre classes to get rid of stage fear. By the way, the jokes were alright but the delivery…” 

“You’re probably right. I’m just being cynic,” Isak lowers his gaze, shaking his head.

“At least you admit that,” and as Isak lowers his gaze, Even lowers the tone of his voice. 

Even likes the silence between them the way it is right now. Unobtrusive, easy, soothing, _intimate_. He cannot not notice it’s warm inside the car now, maybe even too hot for his liking, the windows are misty with condensation and the air filled with something unknown and fragile.

“You and Sana actually know each other from high school, right?” Even asks just because he’s genuinely curious.

“Yeah,” there’s a small smile forming on Isak’s lips. “She was my biology partner. We used to argue a lot at the beginning.”

“I can imagine that,” Even huffs a laugh. “She was always a badass.”

“Still is,” Isak nods in an agreement but his eyes are soft.

The bravery of some sort fills up his lungs, the urge to _ask_ is _annoying_ so he might just do it already. Breathing out— _one-two-three_ —he steadies himself. “Is there a reason why you’re… working at the clinic?” Here it is. The hardest question Even has ever asked, without exaggeration.

Isak is so quiet after that and Even regrets all the decisions that led him to this moment. He almost says something else to change the topic when Isak answers.

“Yeah, I think it’s glued to personal experience.” 

It’s less than a whisper, so quiet Even holds a breath not to miss anything. 

“I’ve never planned it like that, to be honest. In school, I didn’t really think about where I’ll end up. Unlike me, Sana always knew who she wanted to be. But in my first year of college I sort of looked back at my life and…” Isak stops and turns to Even, determined not to look away anymore. Somehow Even is sure he was battling with himself for a moment to actually make a decision of sharing something important. “My teenage years weren’t... happily bright. At some point dad couldn’t handle my mom being mentally ill, so he left. Not long after that I left her, too. Got drunk the same night and had a creepy old guy offer me to blow me at some gay bar,” he chuckles remembering it. Even can’t look away. “I even lived in my friend’s basement for several months because the thought of coming back home terrified me to pieces. It all feels like ages ago but I got outed in school, too, and if I hadn’t had my people to stay with me, if I haven’t let them in, I don’t even want to think where I’d end up. It’s when I realized support means so much and even one person who truly believes in you and who genuinely loves you can make everything so much easier. So, in university I started taking extra psychology courses, at first out of curiosity. Then it hit me that if I had rough time, there must be other kids struggling with their own battles as well. I just want to help.”

“Wow. That’s…”

“Too ambitious, I know,” he wriggles in his seat, looking the most uncomfortable Even has seen him.

“No, it’s not! I admire you, truly.”

Even knows his reassuring smile won’t do much, Isak isn’t even looking at him anymore, so he reaches out and covers Isak’s hand with his own. Isak freezes at first, then moves his hand to squeeze it tight.

“It’s just. You can’t help everyone,” Isak says looking at their intertwined fingers on his lap. Even doesn’t want to let go.

“Doesn’t mean you have to stop doing it.”

“Yeah,” Isak breathes out, the corners of his mouth finally finding their way upwards. Even could look at him all day.

“It all makes sense, actually,” the way Even says makes Isak face him again; Even shies away fighting a grin.

“What do you mean?”

“It’s just… so _you_. I don’t know how to explain. If I were to describe you, I’d say patient. Collected but sensitive,” Even presses his thumb with more intensity into Isak’s skin on his hand; Even is in awe when Isak lets out a quiet sigh. “Make out of it what you want but I know for sure that what you do has impact on other people and it’s incredible.”

They sit like this in silence, hand in hand, throwing gentle looks at each other now and then and Even feels like he’s capable of everything in this world. He’s braver than he remembers himself ever being and this feeling isn’t falling over him in cold waves, it’s filling him slowly from inside. 

“Do you talk to your mom now?” he whispers. He admits now that it’s important for him to know these kinds of things. He has to protect himself even if it all feels so good right now.

“Yeah, it’s a long story, really, but… she’s doing great. She got into all those yoga practices lately, wants me to take her to Bali,” Isak rolls his eyes like it annoys him scratching the back of his neck with free hand.

“She sounds wonderful,” Even whispers catching Isak’s soft smile as he’s catching his own breath. “It was a great date without a plan. Thank you.” Even wants to leave kisses on Isak’s knuckles just because. He knows it’s too much for him to comprehend right now, so he ignores it. Looks at the open glove compartment where lie empty chips bag and bottle of coke they bought at 7-Eleven. “Is it weird I feel younger than I actually am?”

“You’re not that old, come on,” Isak rolls his eyes again and Even can’t look away. “I didn’t plan to make you feel like that but as long as it’s a good feeling… I’m happy.”

The rain only got worse in these past several hours and Even has no desire to leave the car. Although, it’s not the only reason.

The proximity becomes unbearable and Even cannot ignore his thoughts anymore. He shifts in his seat, reaching with his right hand to tuck a curl behind Isak’s ear. He counts _one-two-three_ in an old habit of his to compose himself and touches Isak’s eyebrow with his thumb bringing his whole attention to the only task at the time. It got _so quiet_ he could get lost in the silence around them— Even realizes it when he starts breathing again.

It’s a starting point, just like he imagined it to be. 

Even recalls Yousef’s words _“don’t give him mixed signals”_ and thinks about how he genuinely didn’t want any of Isak’s attention; not so soon, at least. But standing from where he is in this exact second, it’s fair to say he feels like _himself_ with Isak and before meeting him he almost got used to the thought he won’t ever find this feeling again. He can’t think back to the exact day and hour but he knows he’s given up. He’s given up giving up.

Isak expects it when Even leans in.

Kissing Isak is _nice_. Kissing him is _fun_ because Even can feel Isak trying to fight a smile but it’s a losing battle and it makes Even laugh. Even places his hand on Isak’s cheek to have an anchor, something that proves that this is actually happening as he leaves one, two gentle pecks on the corner of Isak’s mouth before diving into kissing him again. The tips of his fingers tingle and Even isn’t sure if it’s his own nervousness or Isak’s flushed cheeks.

“I thought you’d never do this,” Isak whispers when they gasp for air, their foreheads pressed together, and honestly, Even wants to laugh and play along but he can’t bring himself to.

“I don’t want to ruin the mood but— Better sooner than later. I need to just say it already,” Even swallows, squeezing his eyes shut. He still feels Isak’s nose against his and his breath on him; it’s grounding. “I’m bipolar.”

“Okay,” Isak pulls away a little only to brush Even’s hair away from his forehead so he can leave a kiss there instead. “Thank you for telling me.”

“Did you know?” Even whispers fearing to find something evil in Isak’s eyes but only facing quiet understanding.

Isak shakes his head gently stroking Even’s cheek his thumb, not pulling away any farther. “No.”

Even manages to huff a breath; it’s all falling uneasy on him and he feels like he’s in a trap. He doesn’t feel the urge to escape though. “I thought, uh, that maybe you already knew. From that time at the clinic.”

“Even, when I saw your name on that medical record I knew there has to be something important. But babe, these things are confidential. I thought you knew that.”

What a nice way to say he’s an idiot. Even is left to grip onto what is more or less safe.

“Babe?”

“Shut up.”

“Are we already there, babe?” Even wiggles his eyebrows, his hand finds its way back on Isak’s neck. “I love it, by the way.”

Isak shuts him up with another kiss.

***

“You’re being weird lately,” his mom says with a smirk. “Smiling at your phone like a teenager, forgetting to call me… I won’t even mention visiting me.”

She’s been helping him to make his apartment lighter and cozier place. It’s not like he asked her, she volunteered herself and Even didn’t mind. She even brought him houseplants — yellow hibiscus and red begonia — said it’s good for his mood and health, too. Even knows it himself but he lets her have that moment. _“Just don’t forget to water them,”_ she said like he’s fifteen years old. 

He places plants in his bedroom to always have something nice to look at. 

(And to not forget to water them).

“Have you met someone?” she adds nonchalantly like it’s no big deal. She isn’t facing him anymore, busy with placing new cutlery in its new place in the kitchen but Even just knows there’s nothing but glee on her face.

“What made you think that?” he never planned to keep Isak a secret, especially from her, but he’d love to know what her answer will be. So when he asks her that he smiles himself, wide and genuine, and after she turns around and notices him grinning her whole face lights up.

“You might be an adult and live on your own for as long as you want, but some things never change. I know it when you’re smitten. Now tell me everything!”

***

“No. No, it’s not right. I...” Even attempts to stand up but it’s impossible with Isak sitting on his lap. “I’m sorry, but I don’t think it’s a good idea—”

“Shh,” Isak cups Even’s face with both of his hands stroking his cheeks with thumbs, not daring to kiss him anymore. “Look at me, Even. Look at me.”

Somehow, the sound of Isak’s voice makes Even brave and he looks up. There’s soft smile on Isak’s lips, his eyes are warm and understanding and they’re glistening. It’s almost like they’re smiling too. To Even’s surprise, Isak doesn’t look sad at all. 

“Don’t apologize. Everything is okay,” Isak says still holding his face in his hands.

They just sit there in silence on Even’s new bed; Even’s back is pressed against the wall, Isak on Even's lap with his legs on both of the sides of Even’s torso. 

“You’re so beautiful I can’t think clearly around you. Please, believe me when I say it,” Isak murmurs with his eyes closed but all Even lets himself to hear is foreign noise. Their breathing is getting steadier after messy kisses and with every minute Even’s thoughts are becoming more and more clear. “Do you want me to go?” Isak whispers again centimeters away from his lips and for Even it’s like a loud thunder, a pouring rain, a blowing wind. All at once without clouds. 

After Isak’s whisper it’s deadly quiet and calm. It creates a scenery in his head, a never experienced memory— the sun above him, flowers under his legs, that unique summer smell in the air, and something is missing. He gets it almost right away — there is no sound anymore, there is nobody next to him to make sounds. And it’s exactly what Even has been afraid of all this time. Another person leaving, Isak leaving. After it happens, he’s going _to be alone_ forever in silence. So right now, all he has to do is to be brave one more time, he has to trust Isak if he doesn’t want to lose him. And how can he not trust him when Isak is so— 

When Isak is so patient, and gentle, and sweet. He has always been, from the very beginning. He’s been trying to reach out but never pressured Even into anything. Like he has always known him.

He pulls Isak even closer burying his face in the crook of Isak’s neck and clinging onto him with all he has hoping he’ll understand. Isak hugs him just right back, then Even feels Isak’s lips on the back of his neck and he wants to believe Isak’s smiling because it seems like he is. 

“Okay,” Isak says softly in his ear, then leaves a kiss on his temple. “We can just lie here, then. Or do whatever. Like… watch a movie? Whatever you want.”

“Here’s is fine.” 

And it’s true. For now, here is fine. Here is perfect.

\---

Even wakes up and Isak is not in bed with him. He’s still dressed in his jeans he wore yesterday and it’s so uncomfortable he wants to take his own skin off with it. At least he hasn’t fallen asleep in his sweater. But it’s all nothing compared to the feeling of being left again that stings inside immediately. Why would he think there could be something more between him and Isak? Why would Isak want something more? 

Even checks the pillows and the duvet and doesn’t find anything that could be a note.

Isak didn’t promise him anything. Yes, of course Even hoped he stays but it’s just how things always are. Nobody is ever ready to stick around in a long run.

Right now he doesn’t feel any desire to move but the thought of checking his phone burns inside of his brain with hope of Isak possibly leaving him a message online.

“Hey.”

Even jumps at the sound, the sleepiness now almost gone, and all he can do is just sit and stare. Isak is leaning against the door frame looking like a figure in a painting in Even’s old t-shirt, hair slightly wet and legs bare. He looks unsure and bewildered, taking several steps towards Even’s bed.

“Hi,” Even exhales. It’s only above whisper, his voice raspy from the sleep so he coughs a few times to make it normal. He fails. “I thought you left.” 

Isak’s smile falters and now he looks genuinely confused. Hurt, even. If Even knew him longer he could assume that.

“No, I… It’s Sunday, my day off. I didn’t want to leave,” he says it just like that, like it’s not a big deal but Even is on fire. He sits down at the feet of the bed and Even thinks it’s too far. “I also didn’t want to wake you, yesterday it seemed like you really needed sleep. So… I used your shower, I hope—”

“And took my shirt,” Even states, looking at him dumbfounded.

“Uh, yeah,” Isak chuckles, averting his eyes. “I hope it’s okay with you and I’m not crossing any boundaries.”

“You’re not.”

“Okay,” as Isak breaths out Even reaches out to take his hand in his and pulls him on the bed with him; Isak doesn’t hesitate and lies next to Even. Not too close but not too far — Even can feel his breath on his face. 

Isak smells like Even’s shampoo and Even thinks it could be a nice thing to wake up to.

Everything about Isak is nice.

Even closes his eyes when he feels Isak’s hand in his hair slowly massaging his scalp, and when he opens them again Isak is still watching him, certainty clear on his face.

“I really like you, Even.”

“I really like you, too,” Even mumbles into the pillow throwing a side glace at Isak, who only smiles softly and doesn’t push. 

\---

An hour later after a quick shower and mental self-reassurance Even finds himself sitting on the countertop in his own kitchen in the result of Isak volunteering to make them both something to eat. Even watches him concentrating on the tasks with furrowed eyebrows and lips pressed into thin line, but every time he catches Even looking at him the cheeky grin blossoms on his lips and wrinkles between his brows disappear.

Even is both intimidated and fascinated. 

“You like teaching? I’ve seen books in your bedroom,” Isak casually shrugs finishing stuffed omelet with cheese.

“My mom brought them here. She is a professor in university, they are hers,” he doesn’t need Isak to tell him it isn’t an answer. “I don’t know, I just never tried. After graduating, I felt like I’ve done something wrong, again, so… Most of the work I’ve done for the past several years was freelance anyway.”

“Isn’t it hard to stay afloat with doing only freelance?” Isak’s confused expression is the most adorable thing Even has ever seen.

“I said most of the work, not all of it,” with an eyebrow raised, Even keeps attentively looking at him. “Let’s say, my high school skills were useful in my adult life.”

He expects Isak to laugh, smile at least, which he does but it’s sad and restrained.

“You want me to get really honest here, aren’t you?” Even chuckles shaking his head. “For quite a while I worked in the graphic design studio. My girlfriend at the time worked there so she recommended me to the boss of the team she was a part of. He agreed. Coincidentally, the month we broke up she got a job offer in Sweden. She left and I stayed,” he nods, clinging to the counter with his fingers. “Also, it was my second and last long-term relationship. It’s been five years.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“We don’t have to talk about our exes.”

“It’s not that, I just— wanted to tell you. That’s all.”

When Isak takes in what Even meant by it, his smile widens and he makes his way to leave a kiss on Even’s cheek. It’s liberating when Even doesn’t feel scared after leaving his heart open. He must be doing something right.

“There’s so much you can do, though. Like, open your own studio, if you grew to love it. Or! You mentioned you love photography, right? All you have to do is take your time to reflect on things you’re truly passionate about and try,” Isak stops himself when Even doesn’t answer.

“Please don’t use your psychological tricks on me,” the way Even says it— he’s exhausted and the whole situations is starting to get him on his nerves. Even regrets his words before he even says them but he’s getting _annoyed_. 

“I didn’t, I just want—,” Isak says turning off the stove and putting the spatula away. He slightly pats Even on his thighs and then makes himself comfortable between Even’s legs. He closes his eyes and Even falls into sync with him. “_This_ is another thing we should talk about, the sooner the better. Listen, whatever is happening right now,” Isak covers Even’s hands still clenched into fists. Just like magic Isak wears on his fingertips, Even’s palms suddenly feel light, tension leaving in a hurry. “It’s important to me. But I’ve lived a life too and made my share of bad decisions. And if I learned something from it, it’s definitely having a clear understanding where my job ends and where my personal life begins.” Isak pulls away to have a better look at Even, who is paler than ever. “I get where you were coming from, but I promise you, it wasn’t my intension. It never was.” They hold each other’s gazes for a moment that feels like ages, but as Even sighs a breath Isak whispers, “Are we clear now?”

Even is so embarressed and ashamed he can only nod.

“And one more thing. Don’t be so adamant about not letting people help you. You _can_ ask for help. You are allowed to.”

“I’m sorry,” and when Even says it he means it. Isak raises his chin higher asking for a kiss and Even doesn’t have any other choice than to obey. 

“Apology accepted.”

***

Yousef:  
Well  
It’s time we bring this group chat to life

Mutta:  
Yo what’s up

Elias:  
Niccce  
what’s the occasion?

Yousef:  
Why are you all texting like high schoolers?  
Whatever  
Who’s up for something unplanned on Friday?

Mikael:  
I’ll just pretend it’s parenting what made you dumb  
I literally told you two days ago I’m leaving this week  
But ok  
Have fun without me

Uhh  
I also can’t  
Sorry, I have something planned with Isak

Mikael:  
Wait  
WHAT?

Yousef:  
Good friends share stuff with each other he said ;)

Mutta:  
Awwww

Elias:  
well done!

<3 

Yousef:  
You’re not getting away with this!

Mikael:  
I SECOND THAT

***

Throughout the whole ‘choosing the present’ for his mom Isak keeps asking Even if one of his ideas is “too much” and the other is “not enough” and when Even finds himself too lost in thoughts, too caught up in his own head Isak stops and lets him have it.

It’s only when they are heading to Isak’s place from the flower shop Even notices the silence is too heavy around them, and he never wants it to be like this. Not after everything that happened. Not after he let himself feel.

“Is there something that worries you?” Isak softly asks like he’s a fucking mind reader. 

Even wants so much.

“I mean, Isak, what are we?” and here he is, standing in the middle of the sidewalk, insecure and frightened of the possible answer almost regretting his words. Isak only smiles, it’s warm and small, as he puts newly bought ficus tree carefully on the ground, then he crosses the distance between the two of them.

“I know you’re in love with grand gestures,” he says and laughs quietly, looking Even right in the eyes. “Unfortunately, I don’t have a planned one right now, I’m just going to be myself at this. If you don’t mind?” He waits for Even to nod or to say something but Even is dumbfounded, the words just won’t leave his mouth. “I don’t know you for that long but somehow it’s like this: whenever it comes to you, I’m weak. You’re smart and understanding. You’re funny and hot, too. You might feel lost right now but you know what? You’re also brave and strong and I just know it’s something you’ll get through,” Isak stops for a moment, licks his lips tucking a curl behind Even’s ear. “I love your beautiful brain and I will keep repeating it until you believe it. I barely hold myself together when you smile at me. When you laugh at my jokes. When you’re just being your careless self. I’m so weak for you, Even, how do you not see that? I couldn’t help but fall for you in this short period of time. So,” he say, cupping Even face with his two hands. There’s cheeky smile forming on his lips, “Will you date me already?”

***

“Stay,” Even mumbles holding Isak in his arms not wanting to let him go. They are both sweaty and dirty but it’s fine with Even. He needs to be with Isak, he needs to feel Isak, them breathing the same air together.

“It’ll be quick, I promise,” Isak whispers pulling Even in another short and lazy kiss. He leaves Even lying on the bed and disappears in the bathroom, the sounds of the water turning on and off echoing in the bedroom. He’s back ten seconds later but to Even it seemed like an eternity.

“I’m a good host after all,” Isak simply says wiping off Even's stomach. After he’s done he throws the towel on the floor and lays beside him again. Even is fast to throw his leg over Isak’s, pull him closer and make himself comfortable on Isak's shoulder.

He looks around the room for the tenth time this evening and takes in what he sees. He’s been at Isak’s several times already but they never stayed here for too long, always having other plans for the rest of the day. With his eyes gotten used to the darkness, he can easily make out white walls and the minimum of furniture in the room. Isak said it was intentional, to have more space in the room and it's also easy to clean up.

“It’s really nice here,” Even says, turning his attention back to Isak.

“Thanks,” he smiles, almost shy under Even’s attention. “I remember when I got this place I couldn’t afford professionals to fix it up so me and the boys just spent three whole days wallpapering and carrying the furniture up here. What a crazy week it was.”

“You’ve done it all by yourselves?”

“Almost, yeah.”

“Wow. What else can you do?”

Isak raises his eyebrows in a challenge, the devilish smile capturing his lips. He gets even closer to whisper in Even’s ear, “I might be flexible.”

Oh god, what is Isak doing to him? Even can only stare back, want filling him with crazy speed.

“Well, tonight we figured _I’m_ not flexible…” he needs to calm down and lighten up the mood, so he just says it and closes his eyes breathing Isak in.

“Ahh, that's a pity. At least you’re pretty.”

The comment makes Even open his eyes and stare blank at Isak. Even raises his eyebrows in a challenge and nudges him in the side. “What did you say?” With that, Even starts tickling him vaguely remembering one of their conversations when Isak mentioned he’s scared of it.

“What are you doing?! Oh my god, Even!” Isak squeaks tossing and turning on the bed trying to escape Even’s touch. They both get lost in each other’s laugh and presence when, “Stop, please.”

And Even does.

They’re so close now, Isak is on his back still breathing heavy from laughter, his cheeks flushed, as Even is hovering over him. 

“I’m kidding,” Isak says, taking his breath under control. “You’re not just pretty. You know that. You’re incredible.”

“Yes. You’re in love with me, I know,” and what was supposed to be simple teasing played a cruel joke with Even and now he’s thinking about Isak and him probably being hurt but not showing it. Even’s own feelings of guilt and confusion for not saying it back appear in his mind too.

“Have you been with men? Before me?” Isak asks then changing the topic and looks at him almost without blinking. It’s dark outside as well as in the room and Even can see street lights reflecting in Isak’s eyes. He’s so beautiful it’s ridiculous.

“Is it important?” Even looks through Isak tucking a curl behind his ear. It’s not like Isak isn’t allowed to ask. Of course he is, it’s absolutely normal and healthy. It’s just Even recognizes the fear of leaving his heart open for too long.

“No,” he says simply. And judging by the way Isak looks at him he has never been more sincere. “It just you only mentioned your girlfriend being your last serious relationship. I’m curious.”

“What happened with ‘we don’t have to talk about our exes’ thing?”

“I’m just asking. I love learning things about you,” the shining in his eyes, the softness of his voice— Isak makes his heart keep skipping a bit, he’s just _everything_. What else he has to lose?

“It’s always been like this, I just like… people,” Even breathes out and falls on his back. “But answering your question yes, I’ve been with men. Romantically and emotionally. Have you been with women?”

“No,” Isak answers and lays his head down on Even’s chest, his chin digging into Even’s skin too uncomfortable but Even keeps silent letting Isak draw effortless patterns on his bare shoulder with his fingers. Isak’s touch is light where he lays his fingers on him but grounding where his head steadies him. “Does kissing count?” he asks a couple of minutes later and Even can’t help but laugh, pure and loud, honest and almost hysterical. He catches himself at the thought it’s been a while since he laughed like that.

“Oh my god, Isak. You’re truly something else.”

The room smells like sex and when Even looks down at Isak who is looking the softest he has seen him and can’t understand how this is the same person from twenty minutes before. Oh god, that thing Isak did with his mouth—

“What are you so afraid of?” Isak asks, lazily shifting on his chest to find another, more comfortable position to lie. “I can hear you thinking.”

“Everything, I guess.”

“That’s not an answer,” it’s annoyed, the way Isak says it, but Even doesn’t feel familiar guilt. Surprisingly, it just makes him smile. “You can tell me. I won’t judge.” 

Even wants to buy himself time to have a clearer idea what he’s going to say, to sort his thoughts out, to calm down, but in reality there’s no room for that with them both lying completely naked under the duvet. His heart is racing and Isak is probably aware of it too.

“Remember when you were so surprised of me actually driving?” Isak beats him to it speaking up in hushed tones. 

“It’s not what it was.”

“Eh, the thing is,” Isak chuckles hiding his face into Even’s chest. “For a really long time I was determined I won’t ever drive a car. You had to see me, I swear, the road, the _responsibility_ scared me shitless—”

“I knew it,” Even manages to say through his quiet laugh. 

“Shush, I’m telling you a story!” Isak slaps him lightly on the chest but when Even looks down at him he’s not mad at all. “But then I remember being like ‘what if I just _try_’. Took me some time to get used to it. Now it’s impossible to imagine my life without driving.”

Even lifts himself to lay on the bed so they both are facing each other. “I try not to think about my past too much, you know. I don’t like it, it makes me feel… All kinds of awful. At least what I usually tend to remember. Honestly, with being angry all the time, I felt like I haven’t been living at all,” he starts quietly, touching Isak’s bare shoulder with his fingers; his slow movements make Isak’s skin go goosebumps, “it all came to the point when I couldn’t distinguish my fears from anger anymore. And then, I felt nothing.”

The walls has fallen a long time ago but he sees it only now.

“How am I now, though, you might wonder?” And here’s the thing — he doesn’t know how he is. He feels colder when he realizes he might never find peace. “Better. Back then, though, that anger almost managed to consume me— I _became_ my own anger, it found its own place in my mind and my body to the point it wasn’t pretty. After that, came exhaustion and guilt. So when I thought everyone would leave me—”

“You left first.”

“Yeah,” Even finds Isak’s hand to steady himself, it’s an effect Isak has on him. Grounding, not letting him fall deeper than he already is. “I moved to another city because I was thinking people will forget about me, because I was searching for a magic solution to all of my problems. It was naïve, now I understand that. I thought I had nothing, but then this idea appeared in my head, the only perfect escape. Little did I know that running from things won’t get you anywhere, that it never actually heals your wounds and fresh stitches are fragile. Just listen to this: “has been bleeding all his life”, what a pretentious movie description, right?” Even continues under his breath watching Isak’s reaction closely.

“It’s poetic,” Isak whispers, and even though he tries to smile Even doesn’t miss tears forming in his eyes.

“I’m better now, I promise,” Even murmurs as Isak closes his eyes; through the open window, the quiet wind’s blowing lulls them both to sleep.

\---

Even wakes up with his face pressed into Isak’s back, Isak is sound asleep next to him. He lingers in bed for a while, just lying still there and listening to Isak's even breathing. It all feels like a dream, he even intends to pinch himself but forgets about it the moment Isak starts to stir. 

Even leaves light kisses on Isak's spine but Isak turns around and puts his arms around Even mumbling, “No. Don’t. I’m sleeping.” 

It makes Even want to laugh— this whole ridiculousness and softness —but he keeps his cool letting himself only to throw his head higher on the pillow. 

After Isak drifts off to sleep again Even carefully leaves the bed to have a quick shower. His mind darts back to the morning a few weeks ago at his own place, how Isak didn’t wake him and also went to explore his apartment— he feels so silly for always suggesting the worst.

Fifteen minutes later he’s in Isak’s kitchen, busy with figuring out how Isak’s coffee machine works. He succeeds and it feels like a solid win. He almost takes one of the mugs with hot coffee when two firm hands hug him from behind, then Even feels Isak’s lips on the nape of his neck.

“I thought you wanted to sleep?” he teases relaxing at Isak’s touch.

“I woke up again without you so it didn’t matter anymore. I'm just grumpy when i don't get enough sleep”

“I'm afraid we have to break up now. This is absolutely unacceptable,” Even says and turns around in Isak’s hands trying his best not to give himself away. He watches Isak standing in front of him, sleepiness isn't completely gone, how he's still slow to realize what this is about. Even decides to continue. “Isak, this is serious. You had to warn me about this side of you before pulling me into all of this.”

“Excuse me?” 

Even looks at that pretty pout on his lips and confusion in his eyes but Isak must’ve understand the game Even started by now because what was confusion grows into cheeky smile as he intends to make a step back. Even is fast to react though. He brings his hands to cup Isak’s face with both hands and kisses him slow trying to say with this everything that needs to be said.

“I have to say,” Isak’s grip on his neck becomes steadier, his touch radiates warm through Even’s whole body as Isak himself leaves one peck on Even’s jaw and another one on his upper lip. “Your words do not match your actions, mister.”

Even presses his lips into a line in attempt to fight a grin. He leans in to kiss Isak again. “So we found a fault in me as well, huh?”

“Yeah. Now we’re even,” Isak sighs out, with his eyes still shut. “So no breaking up.”

“No breaking up,” he nods and pulls Isak closer by his hips putting his hands under Isak's t-shirt just because he can.

They just stand there breathing each other in and it’s the first time Even lets the moment take control, familiar _one-two-three_ gently buzzing at the back of his brain.

“You made coffee for me?” he suddenly hears Isak say, and then Isak's hands unwrap from where they belong so he could have a better look on the countertop. 

Even just shrugs, “You’re fridge is empty. This is the least I could do.”

Taking his first sip Isak doesn't look away from Even and this is the weirdest he's been this morning. It’s probably the most twisted thing he’s facing by being with Isak — he never really knows what Isak is thinking about.

“Fuck it. Let’s go out for breakfast. I’m in the mood for something fancy.”

Even grasps to what just happened thinking about how domestic and _real_ Isak sounded just a minute ago. He realizes Isak is always like this. For Even, he always is. As Isak moves to leave Even catches him by his wrist, “I love learning things about you, too.”

***

They’re kind of having a celebration of their own.

If a successful job interview is something you think is important to celebrate. Isak decided it is.

In the middle of October it’s cold enough to start wearing scarfs as everyday necessity; Even, in his turn, has been good lately at keeping his daily routine fresh and stable so when Isak offers him to go out he agrees. He is also maybe just a little bit proud of himself.

They find a bench in the least crowded part of the park that is mostly hidden from everybody’s curious eyes; Even lays his head on Isak’s shoulder as Isak finds Even's hands and starts rubbing them in attempt to warm them.

Today’s calm afternoon is making him feel different kind of blue— no sorrow or any trace of pain, it’s just he would love to have a chance to stay a little longer like this, with Isak by his side, feeling his warm touch and know this is just them being _them_ when nothing else really matters. He watches leafs falling off the trees and attentively follows their way to the ground. They’re like these leafs today, Even decides, and while they’re falling they _matter_, they're _feeling_, they’re _living_. Even would love to cherish it for longer, to remember every single detail, every thought he’s thinking and every thing he’s feeling right now, a second before and a second after. 

“You need to buy gloves.”

“I know,” Even lifts his head up to look at Isak. It's something he will never get tired of. “Can’t have you always right next to me to keep my hands warm, can I?”

“Oh, fuck off,” Isak takes in Even’s devilish smile and childish laugher that in fact make Isak roll his eyes and snort but never to turn away. “I have a better idea.”

With that, Isak lets go of Even’s hands only to start looking for something in his bag.

“You brought hot chocolate?”

“Of course. Who do you think I am? It’s freezing today,” furrowing his brows Isak hands Even the thermos and keeps searching; as he finds two cups he makes a victory sound. “After all, we’re celebrating.”

“This is nice,” Even just can’t take his eyes off Isak. After he puts his arms around Isak’s neck breathing nervously he kisses him several times on the cheek cold from being outside for too long and whispers, “You are so nice. Thank you.”

\---

“I sent our photo to my friends,” Isak says in passing while scrolling through phone notifications.

“Your school gang?” Even asks closing his eyes. He found the most comfortable place in the world today — Isak’s shoulder — and he never wants to move. That’s it. He’ll die like this on this bench feeling Isak’s scarf with his cheek.

“Yep.”

“Will you ever introduce us? Or you’ve decided to keep me all to yourself?”

“They’re busy people,” Isak shots a look down at him with his eyebrow raised but it’s clear he’s just messing around. “The question is do you want to see what they said?”

With Even's nod, Isak hands him his phone that has a chat open on the screen. At the top there is a photo of them— they made it the same day Isak said he’s in love with him. They were trying to organize the mess on Isak’s balcony that evening but at some point Isak gasped looking at the sunset and took his phone out. In the end, what was meant to be a photo of beautiful lilac sky turned into series of their silly selfies. But Isak chose the prettiest one of them, Even is impressed.

[image]

jonas  
finally

mag_magnus  
WHAT  
WHEN

mhd ds  
go get it bro!

mag_magnus  
SO CUTE THOUGH

jonas  
chill mags  
you’re too loud lately  
considering how often isak whined about him these past months there were only two possible options  
either this even guy would be swept off his feet or he would just get scared and run away  
but yeah  
cute confirmed!

<3 

mhd ds  
stop your bullshit jonas  
we all know you know more than what you just said

jonas  
do not yell at me  
¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

mag_magnus  
oO  
WHAT [2]  
Isak are you alright? 

mhd ds  
don’t be so surprised  
issi k is in love <3 <3

piss off you both

mag_magnus  
sometimes i genuinely don’t understand why we’re still friends with him…

mhd ds  
how is he friends with us, you mean?

Even doesn’t know who this Magnus is but his reaction makes him laugh— he secretly expects some Mikael doppelganger. He sees last two messages appear on Isak’s phone screen and it makes him feel content and settled, experiencing these feelings does not seem so foreign anymore. He can get used to this.

“They sound wonderful,” Even says laying his head back on Isak’s shoulder and gives him his phone back.

“They are.” 

And then they are just like this again, in silence together. Grab it, feel it, live it. Even has it all.

“We are going out next Saturday. Mahdi is back in town,” Isak says softly massaging Even’s scalp. His gentle touch almost made Even to doze off and it’s something that Isak’s going to tease him for later but Even doesn’t mind. “Wanna come?”

And just like that, Even says yes with still unfamiliar kind of affection he desperately doesn’t want to lose.

***

thank you!

For what? :P 

don’t play dumb  
Alicia is so jealous omg  
you had to see her expression when the delivery guy said the flowers are for me  
she thought it’s her husband’s way of apologizing

Don’t get cocky

why won’t you just let me have that moment? :(  
by the way, why hydrangea? besides the fact they’re beautiful  
(i had to ask around to get the name)  
(and then i googled it and got thousands of wedding photos)  
so, what was the occasion?

To make you smile  
And to say thank you  
You’ve been so patient with me. I feel like I’m not doing enough  
I probably should have said it in person but  
You make me not to think too much  
And I’m so grateful for that  
You’re truly all I could dream of  
With every new day I’m falling in love with you more and more

Isak doesn’t answer but Even’s anxiety knows its place now with Even slowly learning how to tame it. They have tonight’s evening planned to themselves anyway, another six hours of work still separating them. Isak would totally text him if something came up.

\---

Isak left him on read and Even would lie if he said it doesn’t bother him at all. Basically, it’s all he’s been thinking about these last couple of hours since he came back home from his third day at the new work place.

The tension in his muscles feels weird, almost foreign, but he enjoys it as well as how the tiredness, not exhaustion, draws into his feelings some other colors besides grey and black. But the sun sets early these days, and with darkness outside the window, the sleepiness creeps on Even with ease of leaf falling in this time of the year. Tiredness and having his laptop as his only source of light does make him jump when the doorbell rings. 

“You’re right, you should have said it in person,” it's the first words that fall from Isak’s mouth when Even finally opens the door. Strangely enough, Even can’t read his face. “Say it.”

Isak robs him of that chance anyway, cupping Even’s face with both of his hands making Even shiver from the coldness of his fingers. Then he kisses him, confident and messy, almost like he was waiting to do it all day.

“Say it,” Isak murmurs into his mouth when their lips part. He holds onto Even firm and tight determined to not let go. There’s no place Even would rather be.

Even leaves one, two pecks on the corner of Isak’s mouth breathing out, “I’m,” a peck. “In love,” another peck. “With you. Happy?”

The look in Isak’s eyes is priceless, several stages of tenderness capturing his face. Even is feeling so much in this exact second.

“You can’t even imagine.”

***

At first, Even thinks Isak is talking with someone on the phone. Then he hears the second familiar voice.

After very not gracefully getting out of his bed he heads to the kitchen probably in the worst state the morning sun has ever seen him. He stands in the doorframe for several seconds as neither his dad nor Isak notice him and his fear slowly fades away, which is reasoned by clear evidence of Isak and his dad having a friendly conversation.

“Here he is!” Even’s dad says in joy making Isak turn around. Even sees he’s holding a mug of coffee in his hands and seems ready to go. Checking the time on the microwave Even feels rushing disappointment because it is, in fact, time for Isak to leave for work. 

Isak leaves half-empty mug in the sink sensing it’s his cue and walks closer to Even placing his hand above his elbow. “Your dad stopped by while I was getting ready to leave but apparently we lost the track of time,” Even finally meets Isak’s gaze and gives in. “See you tonight?”

If they were alone right now, Even would probably joke about how “see you” is getting old. Isak wouldn’t answer but think how it declares something sacred between them. In meantime, the corners of his mouth pushed upwards earn him Isak beaming and suddenly he feels light.

“Okay, bye then,” Isak whispers and leaves a quick kiss on Even’s cheek. “It was lovely to meet you, Mr. Bech Næsheim.”

When Isak is off as well as the weight of his hand on his arm, Even feels losing his grounding for a second. He registers his dad yell “Call me Jan” to Isak who has already disappeared in the hallway but after confusion passes Even gets himself a glass of water and opens his tiny bottle with pills that was proudly standing on the counter.

He looks up at his dad and sees him watching him with cautious smile on his lips.

“You didn’t tell me you’re coming today,” Even breakes the silence with a weird urge to call his dad out.

“I know, sorry. I didn’t know if you’d actually find time for me if I asked,” Jan shrugs but Even patiently waits for him to continue. “I found your old camera in my garage a while back. I thought maybe you might appreciate the sentiment.” 

With that, his dad fishes the said camera out of his bag and places it on the kitchen table. Despite himself Even smiles as he slowly reaches to pick it up.“I don’t even remember if it’s working,” Even laughs examining it, then lifts his eyes to see his dad pleased with himself. “Thank you. It’s sweet.” 

Still holding the camera in his hands, he notices scrambled eggs in the pan on the stove. Following Even’s gaze, his dad explains right away, “Isak was making these for you when I rang the door. It’s probably cold already.”

For the millionth time Even’s heart clenches. His mind goes _IsakIsakIsakIsakIsak._

He rushes to busy himself with making tea because suddenly his feet are cold, and after asking his dad if he wants some too, he takes another cup from the top cabinet.

“You don’t hide your medication,” his dad states the obvious but it’s a conversation in undertones that is very familiar to Even. It’s dancing around the subject for the sake of not saying it out loud; but even if Even is used to it doesn’t mean he likes it.

He looks at his dad with the look firm and steady almost praying to _stop it_, “I don’t.”

“Good.” Jan doesn’t say anything else, but if 'I’m happy for you' has its own universal smile, Even has no troubles recognizing it.

_ _***_ _

__  
“What is Bergen like?” Isak asks as he’s looking through small library Even has in his room. Even himself is located on his new sofa, laptop on his lap and thoughts in disarray.

_ _“Didn’t you mention you’ve been there?”_ _

_ _“Yes, but I want hear what you say,” Isak says, covering Even’s eyes with his hands from behind. _ _

“Why do you ask?” Even touches Isak’s wrists, his fingers tracing erratic patterns. One moment he’s thinking about what would he do if he had to face all those unpleasant memories again if he came back to Bergen even just for a trip, but then, how can he be hung up on something that is so in the past, and when Isak is here, how can he think about anything else but _him_? 

_ _“Curiosity.”_ _

_ _“It's rainy. Cold. You’re not there.”_ _

_ _It makes Isak let out a quiet sigh, his arms resting around Even’s neck now. Their cheeks touch and Even feels Isak's stubble rubbing against his skin— for Even it's new kind of intimacy. Then Isak snorts, “Cheesy.”_ _

_ _“By the way, about cheesy," Even turns to look at him. "How do you feel about taking me on that date you were robbed of bringing to life the first time because of the rain? You promised me,” he raises his eyebrows challenging Isak._ _

_ _“I’ll think about it. Right now it’s pretty good here,” Isak whispers as Even takes Isak’s hand in his bringing it to his mouth and kisses his every knuckle. He turns again a little to watch Isak closely and sees his eyes shining with the spectrum of emotions. Even knows he’s speechless._ _

_ _“It is. Will you stay tonight?”_ _

_ _Familiar weight of Isak’s hands on his neck, tender touch of their lips. He could spend all day counting freckles on Isak’s face. This is his world now. _ _

_ _“Of course.”_ _

_ _Closer to the midnight, a warm blanket is thrown over them as they lay on the sofa and watch some movie not really paying any attention to it. It’s actually uncomfortable, they both are too tall to fit in together but the heat works poorly today, the tiredness is catching up making Isak all relaxed and loosen— it’s seems impossible to stand up from where they are right now._ _

_ _As Even watches Isak fall asleep in his arms that night he knows it— if it isn’t his home, he has everything and everyone he needs to build it._ _

_ _It might be a rainy night in Bergen tonight, but not in Even’s heart anymore._ _

**Author's Note:**

> i played with flower language here just because i think it’s fun (also i’m a houseplant mom)
> 
> having sana and yousef married here were inspired by iman’s words that later in life sana made yousef believe again. i can’t find the source anymore but personally i think it’s extremely touching and just sweet. i was truly moved by it when i read that so here they are, living happily ever after <3
> 
> thank you for reading till the end. uhh, i’ll be honest, i’ve put a lot of self-reflection in this one.  
let me know what you think!
> 
> me on [tumblr](https://graceinnocence.tumblr.com/), come say hi!


End file.
